“Rejected Spaghetti Western Movie Titles”

originally published at McSweeneys Lists

BY

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You Raped My Sister and Killed My Family When I Was Just a Small Boy Hiding Behind a Table—And I Will Not Rest Until I Have My Revenge

That Prostitute Would Never Have Been a Prostitute If Bandits Hadn’t Burned Her Family’s Barn to the Ground and Stolen All Their Live Stock While She Was Forced to Watch

You Saved My Life From Those Bounty Hunters And Now I’m Indebted to You Except That You Bear the Same Scar Over Your Eyebrow as the Murderer of My Slain Family Whom I Have Sworn to Avenge, Which Puts Me In a Real Conundrum

That Stranger Who Showed Up In Town Sure Looks a Lot Like My Dead Father Who Was Murdered Years Ago When I Was Just a Kid But It Couldn’t Be Because I Saw Pa Killed With My Own Eyes Though Looks Can Be Deceiving, Especially Since I Lost My Eyesight In That Horrible Fire Last June

You Might Be a Prostitute But Beneath That Corset and Your Hardened Ways I Know You Are a Woman With a Pure Heart and I’m Not Just Saying This Because I Want a Freebie

You Cheated When You Dealt That Last Hand of Cards and I Flipped the Table Onto Your Lap But You Took My Sister, Who Is Also a Prostitute, Hostage in Your Hideout in the Italian Hills That Are Supposed to Look Like Texas, Where Everyone Speaks to Me in Italian But I Speak English Back to Then and They Seem to Understand Just Fine

The Mysterious Stranger Is Incredibly Good Looking and His Blue Blue Eyes Really Stand Out Against All the Grime On His Face, But He Is Dragging A Coffin Through the Mud of Our Main Street and Folks Say He’s Been Dragging It for the Last 60 Miles Since Amarillo and I Just Don’t Have A Good Feeling About That, Son

How Dare You Insult That Kind-Hearted Prostitute—Even Though There Is A Bounty On My Head I Will Break This Bottle of Whiskey Over Your Head and Kill You In Front of All These Witnesses In Defense of Her Honor (You Would Do All That For Me, Kind Stranger? Yes, Ma’am. I Might Even Want to Make You My Bride)

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