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The Sperm Bank

by Nancy Stohlman

We have a wide variety of sperm here the receptionist said, and all our donors are on a strict vegetarian diet and workout regimen. They consume no sugar, white flour, dairy, meat, fermented foods of any kind and of course no drugs or alcohol. No porn and 8 hours sleep per night. They are all working towards advanced degrees and involved in a minimum of 10 hours per week with a charitable organization—here’s a list she said, handing me a piece of paper. They’re also required to learn another language.

I think you’ll find our rates competitive. We’ve been a family owned business for the last 40 years and we have a 5-star rating on Yelp.

I glanced down the list of options.

Are you ready to take a look?

Outside the sun was shining, the September day warm with just a hint of what was to come. Just beyond the front desk was the yard where men were playing basketball, jogging, lifting weights with their shirts off. We walked by the tennis courts, the sand volleyball game in progress. The men looked at me with curiosity and then quickly looked away. I chose one.

Excellent choice. And a great value. He volunteers at the Center for the Blind, speaks 3 languages, and loves cats. He also writes poetry and he’s putting together a chapbook. Here, you can read some of his poetry. Can I get you anything while you wait she asks?

No, I’m fine I say.

The Sperm Bank waiting room walls are decorated with construction paper hearts and Playgirl-style pictures of shirtless men next to haystacks and classic cars.

She returns. I can check you out now she says to me, placing the cup into a fashionable insulated bag.

Will this be cash or charge?

Charge I say as he walks down a hallway and re-emerges into the bright sunshine.