Good afternoon Water World guests. We have an important call waiting for a guest by the name of—and she says my name—Please come to any guest services.

The kiosk is staffed by teenagers. I have a message?

The kid hands me the receiver of an actual red phone:

Hello?

Congratulations! You’ve just been chosen to star on our Water World reality show, Escape from Water World! The way the game works is you have 60 minutes to find the key to your locker and leave the park. If you don’t find the key in time, the contents of your locker will be forfeited.

But my purse and my Diamond card and keys are in there.

Yes! And you have 60 minutes to find them and—here a studio audience chimes in—Escape! From! Water! World! Cheering in the background. Are you ready for your first clue?

I don’t want to play this game, actually—

Don’t hang up—we’re already filming.

The guest services kid gives me a thumbs-up.

Your first clue is: The woman in the pink has gotten too much sun. Find her and find Clue #1. And…begin! 60 minutes on the clock starting now!

This is ridiculous! I yell but he’s already gone. I hang up and walk straight to my locker, where the wristband that should open it no longer works, buzzing angry with each failed try.

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